But I Love Him - Amanda Grace “What would you do if the one person you want comfort from is the one who cause you pain? How can you want to desperately for him to wrap me up in his arms but also want so much for him to leave me alone?”
- Ann, But I love Him



Ann loves Connor.
Connor loves Ann.
Only problem is when Connor’s temper rises, Ann gets hurt.

How does he hurt her?

Verbally.

Emotionally.

Psychologically.

Physically.

But why does Ann stay?

Because she loves him.


But I love Him is an emotional story about a girl who was in love with a boy who hurts her.
This book made me question my stand on abusive relationships.
I have never been in that kind of situation so I have no clue what it must have felt like to be in Ann’s shoes.
I can try to imagine but it’s very difficult.
It really made me think though.
Would I have done things differently if I was Ann?
At first I thought I would do things differently.
I am not a fan of abuse. I knew someone who had been in a similar situation and I never understood why she stayed with the guy. I told her time and time and again to leave the guy because he was no good for her. But despite all of that she stayed. I asked her why and the only explanation she gave me was that she loved him. I didn’t understand at first but after reading this I did. Now I am not so sure anymore if I would have done it differently.
Maybe I just haven’t fallen for anyone that strongly for me to tolerate being abused in any way.
But if some unfortunate twist of fate happens and I get Ann’s situation I probably would have stayed with Conner too.

Clearly, Ann and Conner loved each other.
Ann loves Conner because after her father died her mother hasn’t been the same.
Conner was the one who showed her the love she was looking for. The love that her mother failed to make her feel after her father passed away, Conner was the one who compensated for it.
This made Ann feel that Conner was the only one she had.
She turned away from her friends, her mother and the future.
Conner was the only one she felt would make her happy.

Conner loves Ann because she was the only person who could see the good side of him.
Conner grew up with an abusive father.
He and his mother got beaten up a lot and he was only able to stand up for himself when he got older.
Conner had temper issues like his father.
He started abusing Ann verbally then eventually it escalated to physical abuse.

But I love Him was a very intense an emotional story of a love gone wrong.
It was presented in a reverse chronological order in which I felt suited perfectly with the story.
We first got a glimpse of Ann broken on the floor after one of Conner’s beating sessions a year after they got together.
We caught snippets of how their relationship went from good to bad, bad to ugly.

I found the author‘s (Ms. Hubbard aka as Amanda Grace) approach to this topic very remarkable.
The approach of starting in the end of their story working our way backwards and finding out what caused Ann to endure the abuse and why Conner did the things he did. It worked very well with the story.
I read in an interview with the author that it was really her intention for Connor to come across as sympathetic.
I would like to congratulate her because she did a marvelous job in doing so.
She made sure that we understood not only Ann’s situation but also Conner’s.
Abusers weren’t bon that way.
There was something in their past that triggered them to be that way.
I know it’s not an excuse but still we have to take that into consideration before we judge them.
With Conner, Ms. Hubbard was able to successfully convey that message to the readers.
It makes us realize that these people no matter how bad they are needs people who would understand them.

I admire Ann.
She was strong. I could never be as strong as she is.
Not everyone can endure that kind of abuse but because of her love for Conner she did it.
Most people would disagree would me if I say that staying with Conner for a year was the right decision.
Conner was in need of someone who would make him a better person.
Ann tried that to the best of her ability which was why I admired her a lot. She had faith in him even if he didn’t really deserve it.
She was the only one who tried to save Conner from himself.
In the end though, she had to let him go not only for herself but also for him.
Conner also had to figure things out on his own.
I loved the fact that she knew when to put her foot down. She knew when enough was enough. For some people who were in similar situation they didn’t know when to quit. Perfect example of that would be Conner’s mom. Conner’s mom continually accepted his father despite everything that he has been doing to her.
What was the result?
Conner grew up to be a messed up kid like his father.

I didn’t want to blame both their mothers but somehow they contributed to what happened to Ann and Conner.
Ann wouldn’t have been beaten up if she stayed at home with her mom.
Why did she leave?
Because her mom openly advised her of her dislike of Conner add the fact that she never made her Ann feel that she loves her.
I know it’s not right for Ann to just have moved out but still her mom pushed her closer to Conner.
Conner, on the other hand, wouldn’t have been messed up if he wasn’t beaten up by his dad countless times.
He could have grown up to be a better guy because lets face it Conner was not that bad.
He could have been the guy Ann’s mom would approve of.

I loved the book.
I have always been a fan of these types of books.
Following Forbidden by Tabitha Suzuma, this would have to be my next favorite.
One thing I would have to say that I didn’t like was the ending.
I didn’t get the ending I wanted.
I hoped that Conner would have been given a chance to change rather than ending it that way in one of the back flashes.
The ending was good but it could have been better.
I will give it a 4.5! :D

PS: I was really inspired by this book which was why I created a poem for it.
Will place it here when I finish it.